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| NYC Aug 8, 2018 |
Allow me an introduction: this is my eldest daughter, Ella.
And, her addition to my life and our family is an amazing story. Christmas of
twenty-two years ago, I got a phone call from an ex-girlfriend telling me she was
pregnant. The baby was mine. But, in my fear and foolishness I panicked and
hid. It was the wrong thing to do, and I knew it at the time. But, I wasn’t
strong enough to do the right thing; I was alone and wasn’t strong enough for
fatherhood.
It took two years for me to realize the disaster of my
decisions. During that time I had gotten married to Emily and we had Elaina.
And, I came to realize what a beautiful thing children were. And, even as I was
celebrating my new family, I discovered that I was missing my first child, a
daughter whom I loved and had never met. And, so I reached out to her mother to
try to repent for how I had treated her and to see if relationship might be
possible. But, by that point it was too late. Her mom was getting married, and Ella
was being adopted by her new father. So, she would have a family that loved her,
and she wouldn’t need me. But, I never guessed at how much losing her would
hurt.
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| NYC Aug 10, 2018 |
So, for the next two decades, I loved her quietly. My wife
and I prayed for her that she would have a full life, lacking nothing. That her
family and growing up would be wonderful. And, that if I ever got to meet her I
would be a good addition on top of an already full life. So, there was nothing
to do other than miss Ella and hope for someday. Unlike most other griefs that
I have experienced, the pain and loss didn’t lessen as time went on. Ella was
constantly on my mind, in my heart and the sense of loss and shame was always
with me. When our children were old enough to understand, we told them they had
a big sister. It was important that they understood that she was a part of my
story and hopefully, someday, theirs.
In the summer of 2015, Elaina turned 18 and one of her first
decisions as an adult was to reach out to her big sister. Ella’s mother had
requested that I not contact her, but Elaina was a different story. Also, by
this point Ella was out of her house and studying theater at New York
University. So Elaina worded an Instagram message to introduce herself and hit
send. It wasn’t long before she got a response and the two sisters started
messaging, then talking, then video conferencing each other.
For the next two years, they communicated regularly. Elaina
sent pictures of her (their?) siblings and they shared their lives with one
another. I did my best to stay out of their relationship even though I wanted
desperately to be a fly on the wall. It wasn’t right to hide behind Elaina so I
stayed out of the picture. But, early this year, Ella opened the door for me to
call her. I called as soon as I was able to breath reliably after the shock of
Elaina passing along Ella’s invitation.
We talked for over an hour. I’ll never forget the topics we
covered: theater, childhood, the celebrities she had brushed shoulders with in
New York, Elaina to name a few. It was beyond my hope to get to talk with her.
She was effortless in conversation and continued to be so over the next months.
I expressed my sorrow at my decisions; how she was never forgotten and that I
loved her. I told her about praying for her family and my future role in her
life. She thanked me and said she hadn’t lacked anything.
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| Ocean CIty, NJ |
After months getting to know each other; of texting, phoning
and (thank God for) facetime conversations, she invited me to visit her in New
York. So, August 10th, I arrived in New York and that afternoon got
to see her in person for the first time. I didn’t pass out.
With each of my children, there’s been a clear meeting
moment when they are first born. When, mom’s sleeping and I get that first
night with this new baby to pace the halls of the hospital and sing and talk
to. My wife shares a very different experience as she has gotten to know the
baby for the previous nine months, but for me that happens at birth. With Ella,
that took place in an instant on the street outside of her apartment in New
York. Even though we had talked on the phone, I had repented as best as I can
for not knowing her until now and repeated to her that I loved her and always
had, there was something much deeper inside me which happened in New York.
Something that had previously been unique to the halls of the hospitals where
my other children were born.
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| Pittsburgh Zoo |
Ella continued to be one of the easiest people to be with I
had ever encountered. I can’t quantify how much of that was her effervescent
personality, my deep desire to know everything about her or genetics. But, the
relationship that formed was better than decades of dreaming had even hinted
at.
I phoned Elaina after the first day and told her to get on a
bus and join us which she promptly did. The three of us stayed up talking till
4am, and my heart just danced for the whole weekend. The sheer joy of being
with this daughter I had longed to know for so long combined with the
incredible woman I was discovering her to be was often too much and I would
just weep silently.
Since then, Ella has come to Pittsburgh for several days to
meet the rest of the family and joined us in Ocean City, NJ for some beach
time. She seems to enter into life in our home with very little adjustment or
explanation. And, as odd as it seems for strangers to just drop into each
other’s lives, that’s what has happened.
And, so the Sadds have gained a daughter and a sister. She
has a wonderful family who love her, and now is wrestling what with it means to
add another. I find help in the words of one of my favorite pastors, John
Piper, “Occasionally, weep deeply over the life you hoped would be. Grieve the
losses. Then wash your face. Trust God. And embrace the life you have.”
So, while I grapple with the years and what their tale
means; who I was and how we got here, getting to hear Ella’s heart and story,
and sharing my own, I am overwhelmed with gratitude. As we all look backwards
to the true story while resisting the temptation to turn history to nonsense
with a series of what if’s, I find myself moving from the grief of loss to the
incredible joy of what God has restored. And, I am left only with hope and love
and thanksgiving.
And six children.
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